When I close my eyes to go to sleep, I am forced to watch a compilation of all of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Whether it was dropping my metal water bottle in a silent classroom that morning or accidentally calling my teacher “mom” 12 years ago, I cringe nonetheless. In a high school environment, especially, I feel as though I find a new way to make a fool of myself in front of my peers each day, and I have accepted that it is not something I can escape.
On my first day of freshman year, I rushed to cross-country practice after school. After spending the preseason learning where I fit in on the team, I found myself tagging along with a group of upperclassmen. I put in a constant effort to play it cool around them; however, my spirit was quickly diminished when I slipped on a banana peel in front of the entire team, which I was unaware could happen to people in real life. As I looked up from the pavement, I was surrounded by a crowd of my teammates laughing and staring and in that moment, I realized I could laugh with them or be laughed at. I giggled my way off the ground, and the girls who watched me slip are now some of my closest friends, and we still bring up that moment to this day.
That incident was just the start of the series of painfully uncomfortable interactions I have had while at South, interactions that taught me how to navigate my never-ending cycle of sticky situations. I can laugh as my friends remind me of the time I sprinted through the S-Lot at lunch to catch up to them as they drove away, and I have mastered retelling the story of when I slipped on ice in the breezeway. I no longer hyperfocus on the times I am too loud, or I’ve over-shared and an occasional judgmental glare is not something I fear. Nonchalant is never a word I will be able to describe myself with, and learning to laugh it off has helped ease my nerves surrounding embarrassment.
Not allowing my awkwardness to haunt me has instilled a sense of confidence that makes me feel free. I can be unapologetically myself, even when sometimes there are moments I wish I could take back. Embarrassment is inevitable, so all I can do is hope that no one else is replaying my daily dose of humiliation in their own mind before they go to sleep.
And if, for some reason, they are, I hope that it will at least make them laugh.
