By Isaac Piecuh ’14 | Single Staff Writer

I love Valentine’s Day. L-O-V-E love it. I love it with a burning passion. It’s my rock. My foundation. Essentially, I’m nothing without Valentine’s Day. What other holiday allows you to buy candy and gifts for your loved ones? I mean, other than Christmas, Easter, 4th of July, Birthdays, and all those silly ones. None. That’s why all the Valentine’s Day detractors bother me. Around this time of year, you might start hearing a lot of people insulting the sanctity of this great day. Every naysayer, without exception, is single. It’s time for these Negative Nancies to face the truth: you blew it.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but it’s time for someone to speak up. This is high school: our only viable goal is to find a romantic partner. Anything else is an obvious waste of time and effort.

To all you lonely losers, think about how you’ve been spending your time: studying? Way to cripple your game, brainiac. Playing sports? The swim team won’t keep you warm at night. Collecting cans for charity? Last I checked, the homeless aren’t great at holding hands. The point is, quit wasting time pursuing meaningless activities.

Instead of foolishly spending time improving your future and/or mankind, you ought to fret over having a relationship. Put those fancy smartphones to good use with dating apps like Tinder. After all, some of the greatest potential relationships live 50 miles away and have an IPhone. Send potentially creepy direct messages to your favorite Twitter follower; at least you’re making a move. In short, do whatever you can to put yourself out there. Love, and the pursuit of it, takes devotion. If it’s not on your mind 100percent of the time, you’re doing it wrong.

To all the naysayers who claim, “Oooh, I don’t care about dating,” grow up and get a life. A love life, I mean. You’re a teenager in high school. There’s nothing better for you to be wasting your time on. You’re likely just bitter about being so unlovable. Quit making excuses and find a partner. You can thank me later.

This is a day for distinguishing between who is successful at life and who is not. Basically, you can find a boy/girlfriend, or you can go to Prom dateless. Have fun dancing with yourself, lame-o. The choice is yours.

P. S. All you single ladies out there, give me a call!