The Satirical Spin with JD & Mac: Thanksgiving edition

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The Satirical Spin with JD & Mac: Thanksgiving edition

This Thanksgiving, ditch the traditional customs and opt for an amped-up holiday to avoid feeling like a blob.

This Thanksgiving, ditch the traditional customs and opt for an amped-up holiday to avoid feeling like a blob.

This Thanksgiving, ditch the traditional customs and opt for an amped-up holiday to avoid feeling like a blob.

This Thanksgiving, ditch the traditional customs and opt for an amped-up holiday to avoid feeling like a blob.


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By Mac Cimmarrusti and JD Gray both ’16 | Staff Writers

 

Are you a loser? No friends? No plans? Nothing to make your Thanksgiving break exciting?

Bad hair? Bad style? No success with the ladies? Never had any sort of relationship? Spend too much time on Tinder?

It’s about time you turn your Frankenstein into a Franken-FINE! Today is the day to find the most exciting ways to “pumpkin spice” up your Thanksgiving break.

It’s way too easy to fall under the assumption that “Netflix and Chill” is just as fun when you’re alone as it is with a hot chick. Don’t be fooled. Sitting alone in your room all day and binge watching “Vampire Diaries” while shoving your chubby mitts into a bottomless wasteland of moose tracks ice cream makes you nothing short of a lonely bottom-feeder.

First off, change your mindset. Put away your mom’s jeans and dad’s 3XL flannel. It’s about time you take the smelly, haven’t-showered-since-Sunday guy you are and turn you into the all-star America wants you to be. Go out, buy joggers, Vans and a vest, but don’t stop your Thanksgiving break and your attire. Take your Coconut Head haircut and waddle your way to the Salon for a new ’do and a new you.

Obviously there’s no need to hit the gym. it’s too late. No worries. the “Dad Bod” has swept the nation, and women are no longer desperate for the six pack that was once a necessity.

At this point you have probably thought, this is all good and well, but how am I supposed to spend the break with “friends?” Well, open your eyes. you live in Grosse Pointe, where everyone breaks off their friendships every few weeks. All you have to do is befriend anyone, and they’ll realize you are not so bad and agree to spend a few days painting the town with you.

Once you have successfully secured a friend, or honestly anyone who can be around you for a few hours without losing interest, you are ready to advance on to the next step of any enjoyable break.

Fun and games.

Believe it or not there are better ways to have a good time than watching TV. You don’t have to follow your current path of being one of the blobs from “Wall-E.”

Drop the 64 ounce Slurpee and pick up the phone to call some of the boys for a night on the town. Put on your dancing shoes, kiddo. You’re going out.

Remember, though, it’s no longer acceptable to ridicule one’s sexuality, relative attractiveness of someone’s mother or any disability. Clearly you’ve been wrapped up in a cocoon of shame for the past few years, so you have missed the downward spiral of our world leading to the inability to express any sort of opinion without it being used against you.

Despite the fact that your last social outing was most likely your 8th grade class trip to the Great Skate, when Katy Perry and Ke$ha were on top of all musical charts, the diverse demographic destination is no longer a hot spot for Thanksgiving celebrations.  

If you want to stop being such a hermit, Punch Bowl Social, however,is the perfect place to spend a night. You’ve been unhealthily starving yourself for the past few days, and it’s time to splurge on some fries and the famous American Burger. It’s a step up from your usual, cookie-dough on a paper plate, microwave for 20 seconds and eat-with-a-spoon snack.

Speaking realistically, you probably spent your car lease money on calorie-loaded donuts and self-help books, so traveling downtown is not as convenient. There are plenty of things to do in Grosse Pointe and thanks to the K-Line Trolley, you also have free transportation.

It is no doubt you have experience with football seeing as you spent the last few years perfecting your “Road To Glory” quarterback in NCAA 14, so much you now know how to differ between a cover four and man coverage within seconds.

Thankfully all your time hiding behind your X-Box will come to use. Every year there is a Thanksgiving football game, where dads relive their glory days through 45 minutes of flag football debauchery. It should be no surprise that the quarterback is almost always the hero every year. It’s time to take your expertise on reading coverages and apply it to one of the most intense battles of the year,The Thanksgiving Bowl.

The sad truth about Michigan is that the Lions are not a winning football team. Despite this depressing reality, you must do your duty as a Lions fan and sit through yet another loss. So go ahead, grab some couch with the ones you hold dear and discover the newest way to lose.

It’s safe to say food is in no way your enemy, and if you’re able to power your team to a win, you might find yourself digging your hands into an extra serving of gravy-filled mashed potatoes.

We’re guessing the Friday after Thanksgiving when you cannot see your toes through your stomach, the gym is going to be the place for you. Make your way to the Neighborhood Club, but in your current condition, don’t  hop on the bike and actually work hard. Instead, go to a basketball court and shoot some hoops. When the jocks of the NHC feel threatened by your lights-out jump shot, you will find yourself amid a pick-up game, working off those carbs.  

The key to every Rec-League-All-Star is confidence. We’re not saying you should go around telling people you’re great, but feel free to give them some self-proclaimed statistics about yourself. Whether you’re “First Team All-Neighborhood Club” or considered to have “the best shooting percentage from the field,” if you play with confidence, those sweaty “athletes” will feed you the ball like the Warriors do to Curry.

And worst case scenario: you have your average day and miss 80 percent of your shots from the field. As long as you call plenty of fouls and tell people “it is an off day,” your credibility at the gym will not fall but rise because the idiots you are playing with have bought into believing you are a great ball player.

While you continue to attempt to make improvements to yourself during the break this year, it’s still important to remember that you need to be thankful for what you already have. Sure, it might not seem like much, but Thanksgiving is all about appreciation.  So let’s appreciate.

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