Andrew Keating ’13 | Executive Web Editor

Andrew Keating ’13 is planning on “going hard” on Black Friday. Instead of spending Friday with his family, he will be hitting up Ace hardware, Sears, and Wal-Mart.

I begin my rampage at the Dollar General at 7 p.m. Thanksgiving night. While some people may call this too early, those people are weak. My purchase list includes a $25 Sega Genesis video game console and a $38 stainless steel microwave. No, I don’t need a microwave; I just sort of want one.

Next stop is Toys R’ Us. Now, as a person that goes hard, I have little use for many of the products Toys R’ Us can provide. However, the store carries something that will come in handy later: Nerf guns. In the later stops where the crowds get bigger, it will serve me well to have some non-lethal firepower, especially considering that foam Nerf darts deals some serious damage when you glue some thumbtacks to the ends.

At midnight, the real fun begins. My store of choice is Wal-Mart, where I intend to buy a flat screen TV, seven dozen tube socks and four bolt-action rifles (one for each of my little cousins). The only problem with Wal-Mart is the crowds. But that’s just a challenge for me. In fact, the best way to deal with the angry mobs on Black Friday is to become one with them. They go left, you go left. They go right, you go right. They throw rocks at the store windows, you throw ‘em harder. And if they start to stampede and overtake the employees… well just don’t wear cleats (unless you want charges pressed).

At 4 a.m., I go to Sears. I only need two washing machines, but there’s a buy three get one free deal going on, so my hands are tied. Besides, those extra washing machines might come in handy next year when I need to break open some storefronts.

Following that romp, Ace Hardware (opening at 5 a.m.) is the most obvious choice. I’m going to buy so much paint. Also, I need a trimmer/edger for my lawn as well as an extra durable garden hose. Winter may be coming, but my lawn and garden will look extra fresh in January because of my investments now.

I’ll end my holiday rampage at Cracker Barrel. I don’t actually know what Cracker Barrel sells, but I assume some combination of crackers and barrels. A dozen barrels and a box of Cheez-Its, and I’ll be set. I’d rather not say what the barrels are for, but I can tell you that I will eventually know what their purpose is.

After it’s all over, and I’ve become buried in credit card debt, I’ll probably flee my creditors by escaping to Canada. I’ll open a moose farm and live a simple life. But I’m getting away from the point; the moral of this story is that I go hard. If you can’t handle the intensity of Black Friday, you should probably spend Thanksgiving night with your family and relax on Friday (like a chump). Whatever you do, just know that you can’t handle my intensity, and you shouldn’t even try to top me.

P.S. If I die, tell my family I love them.